Our surroundings have began to change this past month; pink and purple, frill and sparkles. I have been told the stack of blankets I have will not be enough, and that the box of 900 baby wipes will quickly be gone. The crib in the corner is temporarily empty, and although the time is near, we still find moments of disbelief that our 2 will soon become 3.
Today I did little. Giving all thought and attention to the movement inside.
Yesterday I went to the doctor. Leaving with tears and worry, rather then the joy of progression.
It's said that ignorance is bliss, yet I laugh at the very thought as I type it. We let our minds construe the outcomes of situations, not truly knowing if all will go as planned. What bliss is there in not knowing completely? Failure is truly a possibility. With failure comes disappointment. And I have never known bliss and disappointment to be in the same sentence. Yet we continue on our journey through life with the ignorance that all will go according to a good plan; our plan, of what we know.
Yesterday my ignorance was slapped across my face. And like many times before I am reminded the lack of control I have over anything.
As the day continued to unfold, so did my mind. In a whirl-wind of a storm I began to let my thoughts travel into the dark, thinking of the worst what-ifs, dismissing the very fact that I had been told by the doctor not to worry. How dare the perfect picture of my daughter I had thought-up be disrupted by the possibility of something being wrong. And as I say the words aloud, I crumble in my seat, ashamed of putting my own ignorance before the power of God.
This morning as I lay, my hands held my tummy as my mind was on Him. Praying for forgiveness, asking for strength in Him, and giving great thanks for the blessings that overflow daily. I spoke His word, allowing His Truth to put rest of the anxiety and fear that overwhelmed my soul.
...trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight... Proverbs 3:5
...Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34
As I got out of bed I walked into the kitchen, checking my cell phone for missed calls or text messages.
1 text from the big guy. And it read...
Lover--give your worries up to God. His will, will be done and we can do NOTHING to change that. Our baby will be loved by God and us no matter how big or small she is. Trust in Him and follow His spirit. I will do the same. I love you very much and He loves you more.
How easily I let the knowing of His magnificence deplete when times don't go according to my plan. His will should be the only will I let lead my life. His will is my life.
My God loves me, and He will not flee or let me wander aimlessly about. I will trust in Him with all my heart.
5 more weeks.
5 more weeks.