Following.

I met Gloria this past weekend. The encounter was Spirit breathed, deepening my desire to obtain an unshakable faith. She would speak about the impossible brought to life by the living God; impossible that I have walked through myself. Her wit was met with the knowledge of who God was and what He was capable of. I was invigorated with listening to a woman speaking my own heart.

And then she read a poem wrote in a moment of frustration.

Lord, I Want to Follow You

Lord, I want to follow You, with all my heart, I really do!

But could I follow You and not leave home?

Could I follow you outside my house so people won't get mud on my floors,

      Or break my precious things, or make a mess?

Could I follow You but keep my job with all of its security and familiarity?

Could I keep my schedule cause I love my time alone.

Could it not change My relationships, my bank account, my freedom, my health?

Could I not have to leave my family or my pets?

Could I still be in charge of who I hang out with and where I spend my money?

Could I only have to speak lovey dovey words to people because the truth can make them mad.

Oh Lord, how I want to follow You with all my heart.

     -Gloria Bagley, in a moment of frustration

Something deep within me broke.

I have moments of following, long moments at that. But then the mortgage and student loans come due and I worry because no bonus was given to him this month. Or I get frustrated because all I want is 5 minutes to think without interruption. And when I finally finished decorating my front living room I dismissed the thought of forsaking it all if He willed it. Because really, I like to have control over every aspect of my life.

But the truth is, I desperately want my life to be a living sacrifice for my Lord and King. I don't want moments of following, but a life of following. Christ said to Have faith in God (Mark 11:22). That isn't a sometimes faith, or whatever feels good to me faith, or when it's convenient faith. It is full life losing faith, a dying to self and all that the world has to offer faith. A faith utterly dependent on God's provision.

But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. -Philippians 3:7-11

Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul? -Matthew 16:24-26

“In our natural state we dislike dealing with God alone. Through our natural alienation from God we shrink from Him, and from eternal realities. This cleaves to us more or less, even after our regeneration. Hence it is, that more or less, even as believers, we have the same shrinking from standing with God alone,--from depending upon Him alone,--from looking to Him alone:--and yet this is the very position in which we ought to be, if we wish our faith to be strengthened. The more I am in a position to be tried in faith with reference to my body, my family, my service for the Lord, my business, etc., the more shall I have opportunity of seeing God's help and deliverance.” 

-George Mueller, Answer To Prayer