Never again.

Last night reflected my hypocrisy.
When I laughed at their jokes I condoned Your word.
I agreed with mockery by speaking nothing.
The serpent blotted-out what was holy.
Walking through a door burning with fire, I left heaven for hell.

I slept little.

My mind raced with agony while my heart ached from pain.
It felt like my soul was wrestling with the devil himself.
My sin was eating my flesh, crippling movement, leaving me to wallow in my shame.

I had not held Your name to the highest!
I spit in Your face by turning my cheek!
I let my faith fall when the ground gave way!

My Lord! I cried out.
I am sorry! Please forgive me!

The quiet dark suffocated my light.

Never again, I murmured. Never again.

Last night He showed me there is no gray.
Do I live for Him or against Him?
Am I salty or flavorless?
Have I fully denied myself?
Will I let hypocrisy pave the road that leads to weeping and gnashing of teeth?

Never again. Never again.

On August 28, 2011 I was baptized. That day while standing waste deep in water I read...

6 What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? ² By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? ³ Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? ⁴ We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.

⁵ For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. ⁶ For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with,^[a] that we should no longer be slaves to sin — ⁷ because anyone who has died has been set free from sin.
⁸ Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. ⁹ For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. ¹⁰ The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.
¹¹ In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. ¹² Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. ¹³ Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness. ¹⁴ For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace. 
Romans 6:1-14

As I have continued through last nights conviction, I have come to a place of remembering my past and the freedom I have since been given.

Last night I tasted old poison.

Never again, never again.